Jesus.
I deleted my old blog, I reread all of. Every single strong feeling for the past year.
Just take it as committing suicide, after the suffering I put it through.
Every year or so I delete my blogs. I can't stand to go over all the scars it's littered with.
I'm sitting here; almost 5am and I can't sleep.
The alcohol from earlier has worn off so all that's left is a headache, and an empty feeling.
Fuck. I completely understand that 99.9% of all the shit that happens to me is my own fault, I know this. I still can't stand dealing with it.
I like to say I'll just move away, and forget all these people but that's far from the truth. I'm stuck. I know I'm stuck, and there is absolutely nothing I can do.
I'm so tired of everything.
The shitty "parties" where everyone is just eating as many pills as they can afford. Just to get away from reality for a few hours.
How I can't have a normal relationship. How I can't have a relationship at all. Yea, you're down to sleep with me, but anything more is just not happening.
You know, I was willing to stop everything for you?
I didn't tell anyone about you; it was going to be a secret for me, I just wanted a normal relationship.
An actual date. I don't want to be railing pills with you. I want to go to a fucking movie and maybe go get mexican food.
To spend a friday night not with a bottle, and trashy people. Just to watch shitty movies, and talk.
sober.
I don't ask for the world.
It's pathetic. Asking myself "Why doesn't _____ like me?" I try to be the best I can. I try really fucking hard.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I can't put my mind through this keyboard.
I just need something to change.
